Today has been one of those days, when tears fall and thoughts are confused. Sara fell on the coffee table and now has a bruise on her cheek as a result. I feel so bad for her, that she cannot put her arms out to protect herself. I feel bad when I see working so hard to do simple tasks, and I feel bad when I see her brushing her hair and doing so many other things with her feet. This is where the thoughts and feelings of confusion come in. On one hand, I'm so thankful and grateful that her lower extremities were not affected, but on the other hand, I wish so much that she could experience strong arms-she would do so much! She's so busy and curious and full of life and I feel so sad sometimes that she has physical limitations. Sometimes I feel guilty for grieving for her arms when other families experience so much worse, but then I think that my grief is my grief, it's my experience. I trust that the Lord has a plan and I won't know this side of heaven why Sara, but I do know that, despite days like this, Sara was given to us as and incredible blessing. There have been many, many more days of thanking God for our blessing than crying out, "Why?" So,today I'll grieve and tomorrow will be new day.
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I've had friends say to me that they feel bad talking about the struggles they are experiencing while I'm dealing with a child who doesn't walk or talk. I try to remind them that they have their own journey and shouldn't feel any guilt in the emotions they have on that journey.
Then there are times when I want to yell, "GET A GRIP!"
While I was reading your post, I thought of my AMC girl and how her arms are so very strong, yet she can't walk. Oh, how I would love for her to be able to share some of that strength with her legs...
It reminded me that we each have our own story.
My mother casually mentioned to me this week that we would probably need to eventually get a full-time caregiver for Olivia. That hit me like a brick. I hate moments (and days) like that, when the struggles take your breath away. On days like that, when I can't wrap my head around Olivia's future, I pray for peace. And a new day.
Tomorrow is a new day. I hope it's a good one for you. :)
Donna Murray
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