2012 was a relatively difficult year in the household. When I think back at the year, the things that stick out the most were financial instability... and head lice. Both were difficult to deal with and both brought me to a place where I had no choice but to rely completely and wholly on the Lord. There were many nights of little sleep and much prayer that brought me to the place where I sit tonight--with more patience and less will to "control the universe" than I have ever had before.
Another thing that sort of sticks out for me this year is that I...in some weird way...feel like I have "waken up" from about 5 years of grieving over Sara's arms. I think some of that had to do with Sara starting school and seeing that she's OK! After years of wondering...worrying...what would school look like for her? ...She's OK! Everything is not perfect, of course not...but she's going to be OK! Somehow, I don't worry as much about how she will dress and undress, drive, wash her hair...I'm still not sure about any of that, but I do know that she will be fine. I know this, not because her arms and hands have gotten significantly stronger, but because I know who she is. And she will be fine. With less grief on my mind, I have (weirdly) felt like I have more more capacity to be involved in life. To listen to my children more intently. To see my husband more clearly. To pray more intentionally. To focus on my work more thoughtfully. I feel less distracted...
What else can I say about 2012? Yesterday at church, the pastor said, "Don't make better resolutions, live better stories." I've never been a resolutiony-ish type of person, but I have always been a story person. I see my life as a story. This year might be a chapter I'd like to sit on the shelf, except I like the person I am better today than one that started off on 1.1.12. Why is it that growth (pretty much) always happens during difficult times? For that reason, I am learning to welcome the difficult times. I reluctantly write that it was a difficult year, because I have read about many families and many individuals (thank you blog world!) who have really had difficult circumstances this year. But, without comparing, I will take all that I have learned and chock it up to growth for our family and growth/closeness to the Lord--after all, how many times have I prayed, "Lord, let us grow closer to you."
As the new year approaches, the Lord has clearly put a word in my heart: "Love." Love. Love.
Lead us Lord. May we follow where you lead, with obedience and love.
Happy New Year!
1 comment:
Hi, I have your blog in my reader feed, but haven't been able to read it on a regular basis. I like your New Year's post here because of your honesty. The honesty of saying that you were still grieving five years after Sara was born and that now you know she is going to be OK. Arthrogryposis is a process because of the unknowns. I can understand why you would still feel the grief of her arms. My daughter is 25 and she is OK also with arthrogryposis. I am glad that you know that Sara will do well in life. She looks a lot like Tracey and her arms especially. Her arms are affected the same as Tracey's. Today Tracey has gone to college, lived alone and now is working in her field. She has figured out everything that she needs to do and gets it done in her own way.
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